Holding On

It has been a while since I was able to blog.

A lot has happened since I last made an entry which I blame as the reason why I failed to update this blog of mine. My relationship ended and both my brother died in the same year. Life has its ups and downs but sometimes it just feels like when you are down, it kicks you in the groin just to make you felt worse than you already do.

I thought that my relationship has been set on stone. We were about 2 years. We seemed to have weathered a lot of problems and it seemed to be smooth sailing.

I thought that I already have a wonderful life, thanks to my ever supportive brothers. But nature has her on way of teaching us experiences that we can never forget. Experiences that will mark in our heart and mind.

When life makes changes for you sometimes you are never prepared but one should always be prepared for the worse. One should always have something ready to catch him when the unexpected comes.

When these trials come, it may freeze you to inaction or it may fuel your drive. When I broke up with my wife, it made me a zombie. Each day passes and goes but all I do seem just to fill up time - in order not to think about her or our relationship. I was stagnating and it did not matter to me. When my brothers died, it forced me into action. Partly out of necessity, but mostly it pushed me and gave me a direction.

I haven't spoken to my ex ever since the break up. I did not know how I really felt - if I would welcome her back or if I had closed the door one last time. My life was on hold and there was no clear path to where I would be heading. Only our child connects the two of us, of which she selfishly cut.

The death made me realize how life is too short. I was needed by others and I needed others. The desire to be creative and to express myself surfaced. Hence, the return to my blog.

When my relationship ended, a part of me died. It took two deaths for me to reclaim my life and feel alive again.

Goodbye Jae Ja

Is this the price of all the lies I've done in the past? Do I have to all my siblings just because ewe fabricated my death two years ago? is this what you call KARMA? Justice? If this is what I thought it is, then this really sucks!

I thought I already experienced enough pain when my older brother died early this year. But Jaja's untimely death is something that I cannot bear and with his demise, it feels like Heaven punishes me from all the wrong that I've done. For all the hurt that I've caused!

But who am I to question Gods decision?

Dream on a Star

Wishing on a dream that seems far off
Hoping it will come today

Into the starlet night
Foolish dreamers turn their gaze
Waiting on a shooting star

But, what if that star is not to come?
Will their dreams fade to nothing?
When the horizon darkens most
We all need to believe there is hope

Is an angel watching closely over me?
Can there be a guiding light I've yet to see?
I know my heart should guide me but,
There's a hole within my soul

What will fill this emptiness inside of me?
Am I to be satisfied without knowing?

I wish, then, for a chance to see
Now all I need (desperately)

Is my star to come

tomorrow i'll be fine...

shoot me in the head tomorrow morning after i wake up. because if you don't, i know i will.

for using this as my entry's title that is.

i'm not exactly starting my year right as i told myself i would. and i say this for almost all aspects of my life. i'm halfway in in a lot of different things. and to think i'm only one whole and can be halved in only two places at a time. and yet it feels as though i'm juggling myself across several other things.

just so i remember, tonight, my heart sunk.

fucking emo as it can fucking get. but sometimes, i just have to say it out loud just to let it out of my system. tomorrow, i'll be perfectly fine. i decree it. it's just annoying how it's the same thing the second time around. i don't think i ever learn from my mistakes. story of my life. repeat the same mistakes. over and over again. it felt like burning my finger tips having to type that down. but yes. it's that mistake that's making a come back. although i do believe the rest of my life would pick up from here. that's how it normally goes. not every single cog can work perfectly. one has to go ape-shit somewhere. and now that this one has gone completely (excuse the lack of a more creative term) stupid, everything else is bound to be back to their better selves.

tomorrow i'll be fine...

p.s. I'm already married, but everything feels just the same...

Where are you now?

Calling out your name
Your face is everywhere
I'm reaching out to you
To find that you're not there

I wake up every night
To see the state I'm in
It's like an endless fight
I never seem to win

I can't go on as long as I believe
Can't let go when I keep wondering

Where are you now, what have you found
Where is your heart, when I'm not around
Where are you now, you gotta let me know
Oh baby, so I can let you go

I can hear your voice
The ring of yesterday
It seems so close to me
But yet so far away
I should let it out
To save what's left of me
And close the doors of doubt
Revive my dignity

:'(

update

We've spent our Chinese New Year in the Philippines like we always do. This time, I'm with Carole and JM, my Jaja's girlfriend.

list and sarcasm

we live in a world where okay is never okay and a lifestyle dictated by list after list of things to do and not to do.

it's tiring.

recently, i've been catching myself being drawn to quarter-life-crisis essays and books. almost all my social networking accounts are littered with angst and rants. i literally have to consciously remind myself to be good vibes about the little things i find fault in. i can easily name ten things i'm irked with right now. and i can give you ten more reasons why i hate each. it's not healthy when your life's default is to find unhappiness in the supposedly happy little things (no matter how banal they are). it's not healthy that you start your day with a deep heave dreading - and subsequently hating - what the day has for you. neither is it helping that you don't really end your day the normal time normal people do. i think the sun sets at six for a reason. and i'd like to believe the working hours were set around that time too for probably the same reason. rest.

but at this time and age when time is never really enough and everything calls for multi-tasking, when do we make time for rest?

i blame sarcasm. i blame these lists.

i hate how our default is to give the world bullshit. a whole lot of the things around us can be so much simpler if only we gave each other a little less bullshit. acting tough is never tough. nor is trying to walk the talk when the talk to begin with is flawed. because when you think about it, walking a crooked line straightly isn't exactly walking straight. but here we are following the world's advise down to the letter. it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. that's what they say. but we're not even down to the level of the dogs. i'd like to believe we're a little more complex carbon-based beings. so why the hell must we subject ourselves to the same rules? i heard there's such a thing as compassion and understanding and a little hint of benefit-of-the-doubt going around lately. but i also heard it's running low. it's running low on belief. it's probably a little hypocritical that these things are coming from the all-time cynic boy himself. but when cynicism doesn't even cut it anymore, what else do we have to hold on to? we've all been down the they're-gonna-try-and-diss-you-when-they're-done-with-you road. and we all know it's ugly. but when was the last time you took the other route and actually failed?

i'll probably laugh at myself two to three weeks (or even days if not hours) from now reading this. i would probably think that i've finally gone to hippie-ville thinking everything's gonna fall into place eventually. what i'm trying to say is the world is a horrible place. but if you give it a little trust, it'll probably throw some back at you. wishful thinking, i know. but the quintessential line of garbage-in-garbage-out most probably applies. give the world crap and it spews garbage. tons of it.

over the years, we've fed the world tons of crap. but the thing that's been gaining steam the most lately is lists. shitloads of lists. ever heard of the bucket list? the things-to-do-before-something list? the black book list? and all these other lists we try to live our lives by. who the fucking hell said i need to do all these things? and why must a better life be governed by numbered tasks that have yet to be completed by anyone successfully anyway? i've been reading essays and speeches here and there and all i got from them are new lists. things i have to do to be successful in life. things i have to be for a happier life. lists of places i have to go to before i die. lists of things to do in these places i have to go to before i die. seriously. why must i be in ten million places in a span of sixty years (that's wishful thinking again, of course) when all i really have to work with is my small little corner of the world? i already have more than enough to busy myself with, much more think about all the other things i'm missing out on. and when i finally get one aspect of my life taken care of, i'm most likely to find another list that'll claim to make my life a better one.

so really, when will the lists end?

if you think about it, these people, these people of the lists, have they ever really lived a gainfully accomplished life? do they live to see the places and do the things they've laid out in their lists? did they love and made love the way they said one should? did their other half liked the way they loved and made love the way they said one should? and even if they did, did they live to be a hundred years old atop a cash-cow of a company? i don't think so. because their list missed something. or that they claimed that was all they wanted anyway. probably yes. probably not. but one thing's for sure, they ran their life to the ground having to think they needed to be one way just so their lives would walk their "straight path". the "better" path.

again. walking the crooked line straightly is never really walking straight.

we even go along our lives piling on to the longest list we have. the list of names. but never a list of people. always just a list of names we knew. list of names we thought we knew. and if we're ambitious, names we wanted to know and wanted to galavant with. ever went through your phonebook asking yourself why you have the numbers of all these people? why did you ever keep that number of the guy that called you randomly asking about some favor? you didn't need to know his number. he did. but you kept it anyway. thinking it's probably good for keep's sake. another plus one in your list. but what for? i doubt he'd go to your wake after things go crazy that one night you decided to go past one-eighty in the highway. or that he'll check up on you and see how your day went. but there you are. saving it.

seriously. what for?

i'm tired. and i'm exasperated. tired about thinking how i should make my list work. and how tough i'd have to make myself seem so the world doesn't eat me alive. truth of the matter is, i don't even have a list. i just have a heart filled with sarcasm and angst enough to last the rest of my future lives. and this angst has been fueling my anxiety for the lack of a list. the lack of a line to walk crookedly - or straightly, whatever is more apt. i run the risk of giving myself a one-liner to live by with the nearing end of this entry. but really, i have none. all i do know is that i have to keep moving forward wherever the hell this is taking me. sarcasm or none, i know i know what i feel. at least to myself, i owe that much honesty.

i hate that tomorrow, i wake up to unending lists of to-do's and a mob of sarcasm bombarding me from every corner of the world.

but for tonight, i sleep and leave tomorrow to chance. as do i, the rest of my "line".